i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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