After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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