I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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