the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
