she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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