She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
