i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
