And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
