My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
