i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
