You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
