New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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