im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
