I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
