Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
The air taste purple.
Randomize
