My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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