I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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