At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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