If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
