Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
