he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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