Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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