So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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