that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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