I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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