Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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