um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
