3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
