That's when you crack a 10am beer
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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