did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
