Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
