I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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