Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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