you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
