I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
