Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
