My hand turned me down
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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