im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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