she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
