Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
