you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
