True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
