i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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