so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
