ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
3 2 1 whiskey
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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