it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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