He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
