Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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