btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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