Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
